im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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