textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
