I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
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