i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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