Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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