I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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