I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize