I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize