I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
