remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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