Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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