Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
