I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
