Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
