I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
