you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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