eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
