It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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