just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
