Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
