from now on my penis is your penis
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
