I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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