never play flip cup with pint glasses
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
me + whiskey = a bad person
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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