jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
