dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
