woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
