haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
