I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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