remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
