it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
this boner is exhausting
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize