he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
