highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
