Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm too high and old for this...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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