I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
