definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
