I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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