I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just high enough for therapy.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize