Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
