Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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