Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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