Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
