Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
