I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
