i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
