32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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