my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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