He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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