My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
