I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
