1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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