I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
