God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
