Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
