I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
