The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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