I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
