then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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