the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
