News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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