It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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