he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I supernannyed him into submission
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
